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Finding the Perfect Starter Home

Recently, a local website published a report called "11 Coolest Neighborhoods for Finding a Starter Home under $425,000." This got Helms and I talking about the whole idea of a "starter home." In response, that same site published this piece of mine reflecting on the idea.

But, I thought a little humor might do the job well, maybe better. Below is your guide to purchasing a starter home. [All pictures from Charlotte Zillow, except one, probably.]

Your Starter Home

What you’ll get: Honestly, you’re going to be unsatisfied. But it’s a starter home, right? Just hunker down for a few years, and while you’re here you can compile a list of what to look for in a better house. In the meantime, you’ll want to look the other way when you see poor people on the sidewalk. Be sure to use the neighborhood association as an outlet to build the neighborhood’s brand and increase the property values, so that in a couple of years you’ll be moving on up to…

Your Intermediate Home


What you’ll get: A better school district for your precious babies, for one, who of course deserve every advantage in the world. Unlike the children in the district you just left. Look: this one’s going to need some work as well, and you won’t be satisfied with it. But the nice island in the kitchen and the new master bathroom will be comfortable. They’re the best ones on the cul-de-sac. The bonus room will be great for visits from your family, and the grocery store and the Y are close enough. It will take a few years to build some equity, but you’ll soon be moving on up to…

The “You Have Arrived” Home

What you’ll get: Status, and a country club membership, and also some really nice hardwoods. You’ll be proud to send your Christmas cards out with this ZIP code on them, on one of the finest streets in town. You won’t be satisfied, still, but you’ll surely be closer to it. The neighborhood association will have only the best people, as will the pricey shops and restaurants nearby. There are still some small, uninspiring homes here, occupied by elderly folks who have been around for years, but they are nice enough people. Lucky for you, the prices nearby are still going up, so now you’re moving on up to…

The Master Estate

What you’ll get: Only the best in everything, of course. Just like your neighbors. Though in a quiet moment of private yoga instruction on the veranda, with the meditative sounds of your Italian marble fountain behind you, you may feel a little tug of dissatisfaction. There is still something else to achieve, another step to take. So for one last time, you’re moving on up to a country estate replete with every single thing you can think of…

The Country Manor

What you’ll get: The crushing realization that Steven Furtick’s house is still bigger than yours.

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